by Russell D. Longcore
(Editor’s Note: I first wrote this back on 7-16-09. I’m making the offer once again, but this time I’ve revised it to be more of a hard-ass than two years ago.)
Let’s face it, my friends. The Federal Government in its present form is irretrievably broken. No tinkering, no new President, no new laws will fix the Federal Government of the United States of America. If the USA wants to avoid complete economic and monetary collapse, a radical change must be embraced right away. Congress just wasted a chance to turn America toward survival in the debt ceiling theatrical production. That was probably the last chance they will get.
We need to go in a new direction. Actually, to be more accurate, in an old direction.
Think about it. A king is one guy. He only has about 18 hours each day to do kingly stuff. So, he can’t meddle in very much simply because he doesn’t have the time. Everyone in America would be a lot freer with a King on the throne.
So, I nominate myself, Russell D. Longcore, as the new King of the United States of America.
I don’t want to be King forever. I’ll take the job on a one year basis. I demand complete, unchallengeable, absolute power for one year. Then, at the end of that year, the states can have an election to see if I get my job for another year. And on it will go until I don’t want to be King any more, or get voted out of office, or get assassinated by an unemployed lobbyist.
You don’t even have to call me “your Majesty” or anything like that. “Mr. Longcore” or “King Russell” will do nicely.
As the first Candidate for US King, here is what I pledge to do in my year. I have written this list in no particular order of importance, only as the ideas came into my mind:
• Set the salary of the King at $100 million per year. That’s still less than some corporate executives make.
• End the personal income tax and dissolve the IRS: On my first day as King, income taxes are gone.
• Dissolve Congress: Who needs Congress when I’m King? Rex Lex and all that. I won’t have time to pass a bunch of new laws.
• Tell all the States that they are on their own for operations, including the coining of money and taking care of the roads. No more Federal money for anything.
• Dissolve All Cabinet-Level Departments except State, Treasury, Defense & Interior: Abolish all of the three-letter agencies, like EPA, DOE, DEA, FCC, FDA, etc. Then, I’ll shrink those remaining Departments to about one-tenth their size, maybe less. I promise they won’t have much to do.
• Dissolve the Army: I’ll close the Pentagon and sell the building or turn it into an antiques mall. We’ll go back to using state militias just in case Canada invades us. I’ll close West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, too.
• Shrink the Air Force, Navy and Marine Corps to about 10,000 members each: If we’re only protecting our own borders, we don’t need all that hardware and manpower.
• Mothball 75% of all military ships, armor and aircraft just for a start.
• Cancel all orders for military planes, tanks, ships, new whiz-bang weapons, etc.
• Order the dismantling of 90% of our nuclear missile inventory.
• Close 90% of domestic military bases and give the properties back to each state.
• Close all foreign military bases, apologize to each nation, give back the property to the various nations, bring all troops home.
• NASA is a goner. If you want to go into space, pay for it yourself.
• Lift all restrictions on domestic oil and gas exploration.
• Lift all regulations on nuclear power plant construction.
• Shrink Supreme Court to three Justices who serve at my pleasure. Who needs nine old duffers arguing amongst themselves? Besides, they have no power to enforce any judicial decision. The power is all mine.
• Give back all Federal property to the states. Let them decide what to do with it.
• Cancel all treaties with other nations. Negotiate new treaties if I think we need them…and if I have time. A King’s gotta sleep, you know.
• Cancel our membership in the United Nations and NATO, and kick the UN out of the US.
• Fire the Federal Reserve.
• Make fractional reserve banking illegal, and counterfeiters will get the death penalty.
• Cancel all Federal gun laws and regulations. Once again, it’s up to the states.
• Get rid of all intelligence agencies except CIA. Rename it the Royal Intelligence Agency. Then figure out what kinds of “intel” we really need if we’re minding our own business. The RIA may become just me and about six other guys, plus a couple secretaries in case we need to write something down or need coffee and a bagel.
• Place Federal money on the gold and silver standard. Only issue gold and silver coins and redeemable paper money equal to our Royal precious metal holdings. Allow the price of gold and silver to be determined by the free market. No Federal price control. No regulation, no legal tender laws.
• No subsidies for anything. No price supports for anything.
• Cancel ALL foreign aid payments to everybody. World, you’re on your own to work out your problems.
• Cancel all Federal debt. The Federal Government is bankrupt. If debtors want to get paid, tell them to take it up with the guys I just fired. We pay our bills out of income, not borrowing from the world.
• We will trade with everybody around the world who wants to trade with us, and stop meddling in their affairs.
• By the way, Federal income will come from a 10% national sales tax. No tariffs. If God can get by on 10% so can the King.
• Dissolve the FDIC. If you put your money in a bank, you assume all the risk for what happens to it. Don’t pick bad banks. End of discussion.
• Dissolve the DEA. End the “War on Drugs.” Make all recreational drugs legal and empty out the prisons of prisoners on drug convictions.
• Give Hawaii back to Hawaiians if they want it.
• Enforce our border with Mexico with shoot-to-kill-on-sight orders.
• Rent out the House of Representatives and Senate chambers for gun shows and flea markets. They are big rooms…they should be have some useful purpose.
• Airports will be friendly again. No Federal gropers, no security other than what the airport and airlines provide. No metal detectors. Flying will be pleasant again.
• If a hurricane or tornado hits your area, there will be no Federal help of any kind. And the King will not visit your area to make you feel better.
• Completely stop immigration for one year while we figure out how to do it.
• End all Federal holidays. If you want a holiday, take one on your own.
• Anything else that comes up, I’ll figure it out later.
OK, Americans. Here I am, ready to be your benevolent Monarch. Just tell me what day you want me to move in at the White House. Once I get there I probably won’t even walk outside for the first year, since I’m pretty sure that some unemployed banker, Federal worker or lobbyist would try to kill me. Sure hope they still have that bowling alley in the White House basement.
I won’t need a crown. If I think I should have one, I’ll send somebody down to Burger King and have him bring back one of those cardboard jobs. Should be enough for state dinners and such. I have plenty of hats at home that I can bring with me. I even have a red fez with a gold tassel. That could be my crown.
I’m going to need a throne, though. Are there any really big chairs in the White House? If not, I have leather chair with an ottoman here at home that I can bring with me. A throne could be really expensive.
Is Paula Deen available to be the White House chef? I’m just sayin’…
DumpDC. Six Letters That Can Change History.
© Copyright 2011, Russell D. Longcore. Permission to reprint in whole or in part is gladly granted, provided full credit is given.